A Good Flow of Life

I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t know where I’m going. I trust myself, and I trust my proactive approach to grief. (If you’re looking for recommendations on grieving - Resilient Grieving by Lucy C. Hone is a fantastic read).

I’ve had one North Star intention since Julia died - to pursue a good flow of life.

Life is full of adversity and struggle. It is also so beautiful, and full of joy and wonder. It was through Julia that I learned to choose to focus on the positive. Through Julia, I embraced a curiosity for all things, light and dark, and that includes a curiosity for the human condition. 

Life ebbs and flows with pleasures and discomforts. An acceptance for the things you can’t change, and being active towards things you can have an impact on.

I’ve been thinking a lot about the Paulo Coelho book The Alchemist recently, Julia was a fan of his and pressed me to read his books when I was still in college and unsure what to do after graduation. The story is about a shepherd who dreams of treasure. He takes advice from a rich prince to follow ‘the omens,’ and eventually finds what he was looking for but the path was not at all what he could have anticipated.

The thing about following omens is it’s a lot about intuition and momentum. I’ve never been good about either of those things; always repressed present-moment desires, always waited too long and acted too late.

I’m not chasing anything, there is no hole that can be filled. Only a trust in the cosmos, that in the pursuit of a good flow of life, things will come to me.

Ruari and I started this bedtime routine of asking each other about our favorite words, my first word for him was celerity. I like the idea of having some urgency but I don’t like that urgent evokes pressure and rush. Celerity sounds smooth, makes me think I’m making good progress, not rushing but not slowing (or worse, stopping). It’s the marines dictum that slow is smooth, smooth is fast. Basically, it’s being deliberate and maintaining momentum.

Momentum is everything. It is what keeps me moving forward as grief tries to push me back. 

There’s the sensation now that I can’t stop, that this is something I continually have to be working on. Starting from a sedentary position is hard enough, starting from being pushed backwards is even more difficult. But to have some consistency and the discipline of continual small steps in a forward direction (momentum), life will steadily progress as it’s supposed to.

Momentum is about more than the goals I have set. Momentum is about life; my new life, a new life currently defined by something that is absent.

After celerity, my word for Ruari was flourish.

After Julia’s death, I was worried that my depression and low energy would make me languish. To languish is an unimaginable fate, it would dishonor my wife. Given what Julia endured and that she still managed to manifest joy and present-moment happiness, I have no right to dwell in the gloom of my circumstance. 

The fear of languishing has brought out all kinds of survivor guilt.

I know, if our fates were reversed, Julia would have flourished. If I had died, she would find a way to move forward and have a great life while still making me a positive part of her story. And I would want that for her. 

After Julia’s death, I had the desire that my journey would have ended too. Intrusive thoughts of suicide, a wish that we shared the same deathbed. Fortunately, I had the realization that Julia would kill me if I killed myself. And I would repeat: life is already so short, why make it any shorter?

It has taken a lot of work to feel, truly, that I am worthy of the same path forward as I would have wished for Julia; to have a great life, to move forward and to make Julia a positive part of my story.

Now I feel like it’s my duty to flourish. 

How awesome is life? It’s so brief and we can accomplish so much, and the path we take can be so all over the place but that’s what makes it exciting. I’m choosing to make my life exciting. While there is no reason to rush, I will not be an obstacle to my own happiness.

Momentum requires endurance, celerity requires flexibility; to delay action slows you down unnecessarily - wait is weight.

Sometimes, it’s not about the amount of time you are given but what you choose to do with it. Your impact will be measured not in years but how loudly your spirit echoes after your departure.

My purpose moving forward is to act with celerity and intuition, and to flourish - to pursue a good flow of life. 

I have no plans, no ambition for a final destination, I’m just trying to make the journey as beautiful as it can be. In this way, I honor my wife, and I hope to make some strong impacts on fellow travelers on this journey.