Swimming Lessons

The pool is usually empty on a weekday morning and the sun is still low. The sky has been baby blue and without clouds all week and, best of all, it hasn’t been too humid. For someone from Scotland, the outdoor public pool here is luxurious. 

This past month, I’ve started to take swimming training more seriously. I was anxious to get started, anxious to turn up in skin-tight swimming trunks for the first time, anxious about my technique and endurance.

I had no reason to be so fearful, swimming’s fucking delightful.

But a 1.2 mile open water swim is still intimidating. It’s the kind of intimidating that stopped me from even getting started on my swimming the last time I followed a 70.3 plan (trading those workouts for more running). But I’m committed to my side quest (Julia’s Man), so I need to feel confident in my swim.

The public pool is a special place. In the summer of 2023, Julia was able to take Ruari to swimming lessons there. Even though she was physically struggling, in the water she could hold her son. She was so happy to be with him, having fun, encouraging him to learn something that brought her so much joy.

Between infusions and the start of re-irradiation, Julia had a tiger tattooed on her bicep. 2022 had presented a number of challenges and setbacks for her, it was also the Year of the Tiger; she leaned into the tiger as a symbol of courage, fortitude and resilience. I’d walk in on Julia tensing her bicep and staring at her tiger while growling. She’d do this especially on the harder days, which, towards the end, was every day).

Julia’s tattoo made her feel brave by reminding her of qualities she already possessed.

After she died, I had her tiger tattooed on my leg to remind me to channel her courage, her fortitude and her resilience. When I’m nervous about doing something, the tiger is there to growl at me and tell me to stop being a “PAB” (which is how Julia would tell you if you were being a “pussy ass bitch”).

I was anxious to start swimming. I’ve never trained as a swimmer, never ran drills, haven’t had a lesson since I was a kid, but you bet I looked at my tattoo before going out of my comfort zone and I could hear Julia telling me to stop being a PAB.

So far, starting to swim regularly has been my biggest hurdle and it’s all mental! It’s about my ego and not wanting to look like a beginner. But that’s what I am. 

This challenge is about getting out of my comfort zone and that includes overcoming social discomfort. It’s about forcing me to go out and do things that interest me because life is short, as well as fun and beautiful if you engage with the world.

And just like how every Monday morning Ruari will tell me how he doesn’t want to go to school and, when I pick him up, it turns out it was “the best day ever,” I dread going to the pool, yet come out feeling invincible like it’s the best day ever.

Now, a 1.2 mile swim in a Florida lake with 78°F waters sounds a treat (minus alligator anxiety). But to then travel to a completely different climate and swim in a frigid 50° Scottish loch is a cause for concern (and a deliberate part of the challenge).

Everything about swimming, so far, has been about slowing down and shutting myself off to anything beyond what is right in front of me. 

Swimming offers something different from running. I have deliberately slowed my pace so that I could hold freestyle for longer, and so that I can focus on my technique. I don’t listen to music; I’m focused on technique and controlling my breath; I’m counting lengths and running new drills. It’s repetitive and keeps me in the present moment. The water is healing.

It feels counterintuitive to slow down and to not push myself in every session. But I enjoy the trust that comes with following a plan, knowing you will eventually see improvements over time; after all, that’s also my approach to grief.

My pace for my first swim session back in March was 3:17/100yd, mostly because I couldn’t hold freestyle for more than a few lengths. This week, I comfortably managed an average pace of freestyle at 2:13/100yd over a 50 minute session, and I felt like I could keep going.

When I do the school run, we drive the side roads to curve around as many lakes as we can between school and home. The lakes are beautiful, still and inviting. My eagerness to jump in and go for a swim, my eagerness to enjoy the natural world, to embrace my health and fitness, makes me feel accomplished in my actions, accomplished in my grief. There are days I find myself longing to be with Julia where she is now but to turn away from the world now would be the opposite of what she and I and Ruari deserve.

So with gratitude and present-moment happiness, I will keep keep building my volume and improve my pace, and I look forward to every session!